An Apology

As life passes us by, we meet several people and through our experiences with them consisting of interactions and conversations; we do end up hurting some of them in some way or the other. The intent is to never irk anyone, to cause unbearable pain and angst, however, there are manifestations of the mind that convolute our actions, behaviours, attitudes resulting in causing grief, hurt, pain, suffering to people. When we look back and look at those people from their viewpoints, and the clarity in context of how what we might have said, or done, would've affected them, a sordid realisation hits us. One would rather maintain a dignified silence than talk unnecessarily, in an effort to make random chats we never know how the other person is construing words being spewed aridly.
In order to correct this, and everything between that, it's time to make an apology. An apology to all those who have been hurt, affected negatively, faced the heat of an affront, been at the receiving end of a rudeness, meanness. This apology is nothing but an effort and an exercise to make them feel better in whatever manner it works. However, a mere apology may not be able to exonerate us and absolve their pain and sufferings. Yet, an apology goes out in the universe to all those who have reeked in hurt because of an attitudinal aberration, a nasty line, an obnoxious comment, an angry retort. Well, the devil may argue that the damage has been done, because words are irrevocable.

Irrespective, the apology stands it's ground strong, steady and consistent. May the pain be lessened because the carrier had no inkling that it would shatter the peace of the receiver.

" ILLAT, ZILLAT AUR KILLAT"

These three words hold a world of meanings and experiences in them. Let me try and flesh out these expressions.
"ILLAT", an Urdu word, means illness, literally. However, I would like to thrash it out a bit more. A disease that spells death could also translate into a meaning of "ILLAT". There are scores of people with various such death-stricken ailments and when they are battling against their "ILLAT", they are heavily inclined to ask questions which fall into the realm of Spirituality. Some of these questions rattle them so hard that the "ILLAT" takes a backseat and these questions become the real "ILLAT". Confounding as it may sound, the truth in these sentences is soul-tickling. So coming to the issue of what draws a person towards Spirituality, God and such inexplicable phenomenon; is the truth that most suffering people turn towards the heavens to satiate their quest. A quest that is triggered by their ailment. The questions that swarm in their minds are "What have I done to deserve this?" "I led a pious, clean, healthy life, yet, the orchestrator, has given me this disease that cripples me for life and moreover cripples life."  "Do I deserve this wrath of Nature?". One is susceptible to blame anything that one doesn't understand or has been unable to understand for his/her state of being. "Is it fair?."

"ZILLAT": utmost humiliation. This could be related to "ILLAT", in context of sufferings that are caused because of the "ILLAT" and in some cases none at all. Pain/angst/insults/offenses  directed at a human being which cause him or her to seek an intervention from forces which are beyond understanding. The humiliations sometimes stem from inflicting pain on one self arising from extreme forces of guilt and self pity. These guilts and reams of self pity that one thrashes oneself  with, are beyond  the realm of humiliations caused by others. In the end when one is pushed against the wall, the wall of inexplicable pain and agony mixed with guilt and tears of suffering, questions rise up like tumultuous waves in a turbulent sea. The sea reflects the conscience which has never been so enraged and so stirred ever. Questions again which are similar to the questions of "ILLAT" are reinforced because of "ZILLAT". As bewildering and convoluted as it may sound those who bear these revelations every waking moment seem to differ. This entire traversing of thoughts makes them seek God or any semblance of such a creation that satiates their insatiable appetite of understanding life and beyond.

"KILLAT" lack of resources. Despite the will, the spirit, the sheer, brutal insensitive tormenting fact that one does not have the means to help those who are afflicted and sometimes oneself leads them towards self deprecation and the brevity of their lives corrodes their souls coupled with "ZILLAT"; "KILLAT" is nothing but a conduit to self destruction. A destruction that one blames on destiny; on fate and on not being able to do enough to fight a battle already lost in the mind.

These thoughts are extremely erratic, yet somehow, in their randomness there is a pattern; a theory that brings me closer towards a semblance of understanding of the inexplicable nature of  God or any other sobriquet, that one has given to Life; or known or understood.